Saturday, November 08, 2008

I think there's a storm brewing...

I think there's a storm brewing and I'm not ready for it. This storm is an emotional storm and I just don't want to deal with it. Things are going funky with my parents and my sister. Which totally ticks me off because I'm tired of the family drama. It happened last with my sister which lasted over two years and now it's happening again with me. It all started a little over a month ago when Chris and I went to Mackinac Island. My mom was pressing me to come visit her when we were coming home. For some reason, she thought we were driving near her home, which we were not. I explained how we were not even going to be close but I still felt pressured to attempt to see them and explained how it was 45 minutes out of our way but she wouldn't listen and noted that she would be very upset if we didn't stop. So that Sunday, I was hurt physically front the day before. My foot was strained from all the walking and I was tired. We left the island at 12:30 pm and then I called my dad and noted that we would still try to visit them (even though I was hurt/tired and it would be a fast hi/bye). My leg was hurting and I was upset in general so I talked it over with Chris so we decided not to make the trip over to see them. I called, told them why, etc. So that next weekend was the weekend when we capped the fireplace. Chris's parents volunteered to come up to help us get on the roof and cap it. When I talked to my mom that week, she was like "Oh, YOU'RE always seeing Chris's folks. They are a priority". I explained that they were purely coming up to help us out. I knew stuff was brewing then and we discussed it and thought, why not have them come down with Chris's parents here. We were having turkey on the girl and we could all visit. They declined. So we went up the next weekend. I got an earful about how we should have visited them the Mackinac weekend and how if we really wanted to see them, we could have left the Island earlier, how they never see us, and Chris's parents is the priority. I noted to them, it was not good to see them that weekend because we were not going by their house but was 45 miles out of the way, I was injured, etc. Chris's parents will come to help out with the house and visit us but that is their choice. I noted to them that they could have come down to visit but they noted that they felt like they were imposing. So after a few of my tears (because of hearing what I don't do is painful) and continuing to press on with my point I thought we came to a consensus. Chris felt that I held my ground with her but her felt that she did not feel the satisfaction of winning so I would probably get more crap in the future, he was right. Then comes my sister issue, my nephew's birthday is on Sunday. We will not be home on Sunday because Chris's dad is having a get together and it is custom to stay the whole weekend when it's a parents birthday because they are the priority. Well, it's my sisters son's birthday (nephew) and we wouldn't be around so I called her to see if we could get together so I could drop off some gifts and see them since we were not going to be around on his birthday. Left a message, no calls, nothing (it's two weeks later so I sent the gifts in the mail). I told my mom this. She noted "Well, Carrie isn't going to move the birthday" "I wasn't asking her to, I just wanted to drop the gifts off" I replied "Well, I guess Chris's parents are the priority?" she asked "Yes, it is his dads birthday and he is the priority because it's his dad. You wouldn't want me to chose Chris's nephew/niece over your birthday, would you?" I asked. So there was a dig from her. Then of course the next time we chatted, mom was nice finally, no digs. Then the next call, I called them on election night and noted that I was going to call them back but I fell asleep then called Wednesday to apologize then nothing. No calls, nothing. I know I am in for it now. Not only with my parents but again Carrie. I'm tired of this family crap. The last time this happened I basically cried for a year about Carrie. It was never resolved but I moved on. Now it's happening all over again, hell no I'm not going to put myself through that again. It was awful and I will never have that relationship with my sister. I've accepted it and now with my parents because they are feeling slighted over Chris's parents? It makes me feel emotionally tired and sad. Nothing is ever good enough on my parent.

I feel like we make about 85% of the effort when it comes to my family. I do 95% of the phone calls because I hear, "We never know when you are home" from my mom. I noted that "it's nice to see the attempt". They have only been to my home a few times since moving here because it's too far. My parents will come into town or near where I live and not stop. When we go up, it is expected to stay the full weekend but they don't stay here, etc. It feels like how much am I expected to give, give, give. Sometimes I feel that's all I do in my life is give but when it comes to myself, am I receiving...no because I'm the giver and that is my role. I remember in the past, it was always me to run to them. Going back to college, they never came up because it was "too far and we're working" so I used the Greyhound a few times, in grad school I always went to them, when I was dating Sluggy, I ran to them, now I still run to them but it's healthier now. The common thing I hear "it's too far". Yup...this is going to suck because I know what is coming and heck, I don't deserve this one. Argh...need hug...and not ruminate on it. I keep on telling myself I'm doing the best that I can. I guess that's all I can do.

6 comments:

anji said...

Time to be upfront. Tell them something along the lines, "I may be your child still but stop treating me like one. I can not please every single person. I am only one person, who can do so much. If it is YOUR choice to act this way, then I'd rather not deal with you right now until you make this change. This is how it's going to be and this is how it has to be."

I had to do this with my dad and haven't spoke with him since June. He'll give up by Christmas time... just because they are our parents, it doesn't mean they're right.

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean about a storm. It's been rough with my two sisters for a couple of years. We'd all been a close family for many years, so it hurts. It may be my fault, I don't think so, I hash it over in my mind all the time. Finally I just take the advice of that radio psychologist Dr. Joy Brown and go with the 'stupid and cheerful' to get through it all. I stick to my guns and try not to feel guilty about things. I know that I try to do my best, and if that's not good enough then I don't know what else to do.

Anonymous said...

Gosh, Kellie, I read your post and thought that could have been my story a couple of weeks ago! I am having the same difficulty with my mother... not my sister though. It was horrible when I talked with her about it, but at least I did. She was not nice at all... I was shocked and surprised and hurt by it, but I told her what I thought. The tears flowed, the feelings aired out, and life goes on. It will be interesting to see how things are the next time I have to say, sorry we already have plans for that day when the next family event happens that we are busy. But I decided awhile ago that I was always the one to do what everyone else wanted despite my own feelings or needs, so I was going to start saying no basically. And I'm not feeling guilty over it... spent too much of my life already feeling guilty about things I had no control over and I wasn't going to be doing it anymore, especially when it wasn't my problem to begin with.

Stay strong and do what's best for you. There comes a time when you have to do things for yourself or else you are neglecting your own needs. You do your best and that's all anyone can ask. =)

Anonymous said...

My storm came thru and ruined everything. Can't believe these peope do this over and over. Why do we have to see relatives on holidays? I think I was ment to live alone. You would think just you inlaws could make you so miserable, not your mother and sister and brother. Depression hurts everyone.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, that totally sucks. Sounds like you family is a tad jealous and selfish with you. My family is the same way, they never come to visit me, I always run over there. I've come to accept that's how it is, but split our time equally with my in-laws.

CheekyCharm said...

I happened across your blog today by accident but maybe there are no accidents? While reading your post I felt like I was reading about my own experiences and memories...My family storm started again yesterday as it does ever year near the holidays. Thankfully, I found your blog!! I feel not so alone and frankly empowered to stop getting so twisted over the "families" drama! Again, thank you for sharing....you helped me a lot today!! Heather